As part of his ambitious re-zoning proposal, Mayor Bill de Blasio announced this morning plans to designate new neighborhoods and sub-neighborhoods within the city*, citing both demand from developers, confusion among renters, widely accepted and circulated cliches, and a successful pilot program in Quooklyn.
As the program rolls out city-wide, the following neighborhoods will be re-named (and their boundaries changed as necessary), effective immediately:**
ABC: Inwood, Riverdale, really anything north of Washington Heights. If you live up here, you'll Always Be Commuting.
WayScar: Yorkville, also known as the way station to Scarsdale.
NeYoWoEA: Aka, a neighborhood you won't ever afford, as in Dumbo, the West Village, Soho, Tribeca, Fifth Avenue and Park Avenue.
PaPaPay: The LES, the Village, Williamsburg, parts of Bushwick and Greenpoint. If you're under 25 and moved in here in the last three years into an apartment bigger than 500 square feet with no roommates, your dad is probably paying the rent.
NorBar: After a series of generous checks from Bruce Ratner, Fort Greene—which sits just north of the Barcays Center—has decided on a strategic re-branding.
NoGo: Fifth Avenue between 50th and 59th Street, i.e. shopping tourists country.
SoTriMe. The narrow slice between Meatpacking, Tribeca, and SoHo. There's a bouncer on the block who doesn't even let you on the street unless you're wearing Jimmy Choos.
DormCore: Anything between roughly Houston Street and 14th Street and 2nd Avenue and 8th Avenue, with St. Marks Place at the epicenter. Basically NYU-ville.
NuBu. The New Bushwick. Applicable to Ridgewood, Middle Village, Brownsville, East New York, Ocean Hill, the Evergreens Cemetery, Canarsie, and segments of Long Island.
*These neighborhood designations aren't real, as of press time, and the mayor didn't actually say anything of the sort. But if any over-eager developer wants to start branding buildings with NuBu, we're open to selling the rights.
**Contributions from freelance writer Alana Mayman; CORE sales agent and comedian Sean Attebury; architect and comedian Joel Napach; and the BrickUnderground staff.